Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Lone Ranger and Tonto

Lone Ranger The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto awoke the Lone Ranger and said, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger pondered for a minute then said, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord
is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What’s it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo. It means someone stole the tent."

A Lawyer After God’s Own Heart

During the rebuilding of New Orleans , residents often were challenged

with the task of tracing their home titles back potentially hundreds

of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two

centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of

family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership.

This story is about a letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of

a client.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the

loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel

of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property

dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following

reply:

Actual reply from FHA:

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application,

we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While

we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented

the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to

the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval

can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its

origin."

Actual response by the lawyer:

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. (_______) has been received. I

note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years

covered by the present application.

I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly

those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was

purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin

identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the

land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had

acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain .

The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made

in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had

been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the

Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella.

The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful

about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing

of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus’

expedition.

Now the Pope, as I’m sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus

Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this

world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made

that part of the world called Louisiana .

God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back

to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA.

I hope you find God’s original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we

have our ____ loan?"

The loan was immediately approved!

Calling in Sick

We’ve all had trouble with our animals, but I don’t think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable.  No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I’m lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating.  I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.  By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.  Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Killer KittyThen one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen, “Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again.  Please come reset it.”

“You know where the button is,” I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. “Reset it yourself!”

“But I’m scared!” she persisted.  “What if it starts going and sucks me in?”  There was a meaningful pause and then, “C’mon, it’ll only take you a second.”

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. 

It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.  No, it wasn’t the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.  It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink.  And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.  I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a ‘fight or flight’ syndrome.  Men, in this predicament, choose only the ‘flight’ option.  I know this from experience.  I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. 

The impact knocked me out cold.  When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of ‘been-there, done-that’ paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter……and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all.  A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.  I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

‘What’s the matter?’ They all asked, ‘Cat got your tongue?’

If they only knew!

Memorable Senior Moment

images A young lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.
So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500," he says.

This catches the senior’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it’s the senior’s turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.

After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Laughter is Good Medicine!

 

bigstockphoto_The_Laughing_Horse_552055  We decided to begin a collection of tasteful and wholesome humorous anecdotes because we all need to find time and reasons to laugh. The joy of the Lord is not dependent on our circumstances, but on the sure Hope of our future. Every believer can and should rejoice, because our best days are always ahead of us.

If you have an inspirational story or testimony to share, please send it to us by using this link. Your email address will not be posted or shared.

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